A Piece of Lettuce, for Christ's Sake

CHARCTERS

Girl

Guy

 SETTING: Lounge in a music school.

 

Girl: I choked on lettuce today. I thought I was going to die. It like just got stuck in my throat and my friend started laughing…

 

Guy: (Laughing) How do you choke on lettuce?

 

Girl: Shut up! It was so embarrassing!

 

Guy: I knew this guy once that choked to death.

 

Girl: (Surprised and hesitant) Really? What did he choke on?

 

Guy: I think a piece of steak… (Thinking) … Actually I think he got hanged. Yeah that’s right. Now I remember. Well really what’s the difference?

 

Girl: Not much. I mean the #1 is not that different from the #2. Like they’re both numbers. The difference of 2 and 1 is 1. (Excited about her discovery) So really they’re the same.

 

Guy: His father hung him.

 

Girl: My father was a good guy but he always wanted to join the circus.

 

Guy: That’s odd, my shirts inside out.

 

Girl: (Laughing) You dumbass, your shirt’s been inside out the whole day. I just didn’t have the heart to tell you.

 

Guy: (Bitterly) You never have the heart to do anything right.

 

Girl: Oh fuck you! Like you never choked on lettuce before. Don’t pretend to be perfect. Your shirt’s inside out for Christ’s sake.

 

Guy: It’s not my fault my shirt chose to be inside out today.

 

Girl: Are you all right? That’s what my friend should of said when I was choking on that damn piece of lettuce.

 

Guy: The mother convinced the father to hang him. I don’t blame her. I mean…

 

Girl: (Interrupting) What has this world come to? It’s just absurd that she couldn’t ask if I was all right. What’s wrong with people today?

 

Guy: I mean their son had it coming to him. You know he refused to tuck in his shirt at fancy restaurants? People just don’t have manners today.

 

Girl: Exactly.

 

Guy: Exactly.